First Contact

If we land unannounced, the ape-like descendants in control of this planet would react violently—guaranteed. They get wobbly when they find a spider in the bathtub, so a creature roughly the same arachnoid shape but the size of a milk-producing bovine, would not be met with flowers and a big sign saying “Welcome to Earth!” Their reaction could very well start a war between our species. A war the humans would lose.

So, here I stand in my man-suit, my extra legs stuffed into a bag on my back, wearing clothes that stifle my senses and a stupid hat-thing to cover up my real eyes.

I might be lost, and I can’t tell who my partner is as I’ve never seen her human form before. I receive angry looks from the female humans as I approach them. My instructions told me a wink would identify who I was, but I now suspect that was a prank.

I look at the crappy piece of technology in my hand. How am I supposed to find anything on this thing? The communications technology we have at home is light-years beyond this silly device. The fact I have to poke at it with these finger things is, quite frankly, offensive. I know we have to “blend in” but this is embarrassing.

The people here think they’re alone in the universe and I can’t imagine how horrible that must feel. I’ve never known a galaxy not teeming with intelligent life. These people are going to excrete fecal matter when they learn they are one amongst millions of sentient species in the galaxy.

Earth is a busy place. The humans rush around, an island unto themselves, listening to music and ignoring each other. They all have somewhere to be, it seems, and they go about their business trying not to make eye contact with each other. I’m pretty certain now the winking thing is going to get me killed, or at least slapped.

I hope my plan works, for their sake.

We haven’t studied Earth for that long, but have been shocked by how badly the humans treat their planet. Life in the universe is a beautiful thing, and a planet that supports such a diverse range of life, as this planet does, needs protection.

They have even begun to litter their solar system, by blindly hurling metal devices out into the cosmos. Their planet is surrounded by low-tech boxes, sending signals, taking photos, and looking outward into the galaxy. I admire their curious nature, but they are going to have to learn some basic ground rules before going any further into the cosmos. These apes will have to accept our tutelage or be exterminated.

Someone taps me on my shoulder. I turn around and a young female winks at me.

“You are late,” I say.

“No, I am not. I have been waiting outside the convention center for the last ten minutes.”

Stupid phone. I put it in my pocket and follow my partner to the convention center.

“I hope you know what you are doing,” she says. “We are sort of stuck on how to get started with these creatures. Command wants to, as the humans say, ‘throw in the towel,’ and eliminate them right away.”

“That would be expedient, but I believe in second chances.”

We reach the convention center and walk into the building through a side door; a large private room awaits us. Inside this room were the humans I want to properly introduce myself to. These are the humans, I believe, that would be the most receptive to our alien nature.

My partner and I stand before the colorful group. We raise our right hands with our fingers grouped into twos making a V shape, as is their custom.

We say their sacred words: “Live long and prosper.”