Free Birds 2013

Free Birds (2013)

Free Birds (2013)

Free Birds 2013Starring: Woody Harrelson, Owen Wilson, Dan Fogler, Amy Poehler, George Takei, Colm Meaney, Keith David, Jimmy Hayward

Directed By: Jimmy Hayward

Written By: Scott Mosier, Jimmy Hayward

Rating: PG (US) Running Time: 1 hr 31 mins

Two Cents:

To Scott Mosier, Jimmy Hayward, and folks at Reel FX Creative Studios.

What’s this? Think I won’t recognize a blatant socialist liberal vegan plot? Designed to brainwash our children into rejecting the Thanksgiving tradition of killing millions of ugly ass turkeys! That right, I saw through your cunning plan, and no, no matter how much you cutesy up these characters, and make their babies look like Tribbles, they’re still turkeys. They look like entrail-bearded fat chickens, and they taste good too. So nice try herbivores! Pass me the cranberry sauce on your way out, and go chew on some bark will ya! HA!

As a matter of fact, I think your plan backfired! Half an hour into Free Birds, I had a craving for eggs, and subsequently paused your mediocre movie to scramble up some unfertilized chicken embryos! Yum! Perhaps if your movie was less predictable, and bothered to include some decent content for adults, I wouldn’t be planning a visit to this great restaurant I know that assembles an awesome turkey burger.

Behold what you have wrought upon the animal kingdom! Your kids only movie, with its narrative akin to the complexity of a baby rattle, has bored the adults into craving bird meat. All that rapid motion and noise might keep the kids happy, but what about the parents? What’s in it for them?

I guarantee you your movie has done more harm than good. But wait a moment. Maybe THAT was your plan? Oh my goodness, this wasn’t some liberal ploy to feed non-dairy veggie pizzas to kids. It’s a conservative plot designed to¬†cajole parents into consuming more animal flesh! That totally makes sense. The turkey lobbyist’s plan to use reverse psychology and implant the desire for dry poultry meat (we all know chicken tastes better!) Who buys the ticket? Who buys dinner? It’s genius!

Sincerely,
I. M. Kidding!

Movie Prep:

This movie isn’t in the same league as the more expensively produced and better written animated films from Pixar or Dreamworks, but it should keep children entertained.

Best Format:

The animation is okay, though some of the human characters looked off to me. A HD viewing on your TV, laptop, tablet or phone will deliver this content decently enough.

Best Moment:

A dance-off between the ‘warrior’ turkeys, Jake (Woody Harrelson) and Leatherbeak (Jimmy Hayward), was somewhat entertaining.

References: IMDB

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