Starring: Channing Tatum, Mila Kunis, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Maria Doyle Kennedy, Douglas Booth, Tuppence Middleton, Nikki Amuka-Bird
Directed By: Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski (as The Wachowskis)
Written By: Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski
Rating: PG-13 (US) Running Time: 2 hr 7 min
After catching up on all the Oscar hopefuls, I was looking forward to some epic off-world science fiction action. An amateur movie blog can’t exist solely on a diet of award worthy dramas after all. So despite the negative reviews for Jupiter Ascending, I happily marched into my local theater, and kept my expectations low. I wanted to see spaceships, big explosions, and aliens beating the snot out of each other.
Which is what I got, mostly. Problem is, I was also treated to a movie that reaches Highlander 2: The Quickening, levels of awful! An expensive disaster, both in the cash and the talent it egregiously wastes. Two hours of utter nonsense that takes no time to develop its main characters, or establish what they mean to each other. A film that thrusts the audience into a universe without establishing the rules, or explaining why we should give a damn about anything that happens in it.
Did you know ‘bees are genetically designed to sense royalty?’ No? Well they are in this absurd movie, and that’s just the tip of ‘turd-berg’ when it comes to the terrible dialog in this film. I lost count of how many times I said to myself ‘wait, did I just hear that?’ This got so bad, it actually became unintentionally funny. And I did wonder how much of this digital story ended up on the proverbial cutting room floor. Because the commitment and performances from the cast suggested they had a much deeper understanding of this story. So it’s shame The Wachowskis didn’t think a paying audience would be interested in the details too.
Visually, it’s quite the spectacle, and the special effects are impressive. The action is also nicely staged, and a battle waged over Chicago was genuinely thrilling. But without a good script, or characters you can relate to, all the pretty fireworks in the universe are not going to save Jupiter Ascending from being one of the worst movies ever made. Though to be fair, it was better than Highlander 2!
Keep your expectations super low, and go into this if you’re only interested in watching a grand yet soulless fireworks show. The movie is rated PG-13 for mild violence and partial nudity.
This is a visual treat, so a big screen will service it best. At home a HD screening on a TV is the way to go. The experience of watching this film will only get worse on a laptop, tablet or smart phone sized screen.
This line of dialog.
“Bees are genetically designed to sense royalty.”