Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Michelle Monaghan, Peter Dinklage, Josh Gad
Directed By: Chris Columbus
Written By: Tim Herlihy, Timothy Dowling
Rating: PG-13 (US) Running Time: 1 hr 45 min
[WARNING: This review is rated R for language!]
So, what did I think of Pixels?
I feel like Adam Sandler and the folks at Happy Madison productions have just played Tetris with my ass, and couldn’t even be bothered to make the pieces fit. Like my beloved 80’s was just raped for box office gold. Like the classic arcade games from that glorious decade were blended with Pepto-Bismol, drunk, vomited, and then used as a dressing on a manure salad. That’s what I thought about Pixels.
I feel like I’ve been punched in the brain and given a wedgie so extreme my underpants are now keeping my ears warm. Like Chris Columbus just called me a stupid geek, and then stole my Commodore 64. My frontal lobe hurts. There’s a churning in my stomach. A burning rage in my heart that only massive amounts of alcohol can fix. That’s what I thought about Pixels.
I feel like the search for the worst film of 2015 is now over. Like this isn’t so much a movie, as it was a nugget of a good idea that’s been served up in a Martini glass full of Josh Gad’s warm ball sweat. Everyone involved in the production of this turd-berg needs to officially apologize to the world. How much did this affront to all things decent cost? How many starving children could have eaten a decent meal if it wasn’t for this obnoxious disaster? The experience of watching Pixels is akin to having Peter Dinklage repeatedly smash you in the nuts with a dead cat. A film so poorly developed, it blatantly plays the 80’s nostalgia card in an attempt to entertain adults, while simultaneously insulting their intelligence, and deliver humor only a dumb child would enjoy. That’s what I thought about Pixels.
And I knew this was going to be bad. I’d read a few reviews, and watched MovieBob’s excellent video (https://youtu.be/BFD2293oGvA) about the film (several times now). Damn my upbringing. How did I end up being so stupidly optimistic that I honestly thought, “it can’t be that bad.” Why am I so bloody curious? I just lost 105 minutes of my life staring wide-eyed in disbelief of what I was seeing. This wasn’t a film. It must have been a test. The government must be testing decades of failed education policy as they strive to produce a docile populace that’s equal parts apathetic and stupid. As we march happily towards being an oligarchic state controlled by rich assholes – including the dicks responsible for this film. That’s what I thought about Pixels!
This is a dumb movie. A low IQ flick that only undemanding children will enjoy. If you’re still somehow a Adam Sandler fan, you may get some enjoyment out of this film. It’s loud, makes little sense, and somehow can’t even have fun with its references to the 80’s.
Despite how bad this film is, the visual effects are good, and a big screen is the best way to enjoy them.
It’s in the trailer. When the creator of Pac-Man tries to reason with his creation. Just one of a million jokes in this god awful travesty that lands like a steaming pile of Rhino poop!