Starring: Tommy Wiseau, Juliette Danielle, Greg Sestero, Robyn Paris
Directed By: Tommy Wiseau
Written By: Tommy Wiseau
Rating: R (US) Running Time: 1 hr 39 min
What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen? Until yesterday, my answer to that question would have been Movie 43, or Highlander 2: The Quickening. But on May 12th, 2015, I saw a movie so bad, it actually made my frontal lobe hurt.
The frontal lobe according to wikipedea, is associated with reward, attention, short-term memory tasks, planning, and motivation. So when thinking about the pain this movie caused, I have to assume some kind of defense mechanism kicked in, and my brain was trying to shut down or collapse in on itself. A process thankfully abated by the folks at RiffTrax, who covered this movie in a manner that delivered plenty of laughs, and very likely saved my life!
Rifftrax, for the uninitiated, is a comedy commentary added to movies (usually bad ones) and short films, written and performed by the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Featuring the comedy ‘stylings’ of Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy (Tom Servo) and Bill Corbett (Crow T. Robot). Who stand on stage armed with their quick wit and some scripted jokes, and turn films like The Room into something you might actually pay to see!
But what about this film that’s been called, ‘the Citizen Kane of bad movies?’
The Room was spawned from the warped mind of director, writer, producer, actor (all terms used very loosely), Tommy Wiseau. Who is an alien. I’m convinced of it. A nice alien (fingers crossed), and one with a message of peace and understanding for all humanity (please don’t vaporize me) – but a life-form not of this world none the less. They live among us!
I say this because The Room was clearly made by a creature that doesn’t understand how humans interact with each other. Evidenced by some incredible lines of dialog.
“You betrayed me! You’re not good. You, you’re just a chicken. Chip-chip-chip-chip-cheep-cheep.”
The movie also has some huge continuity problems. Like in one scene, which has our betrayed hero (Johnny – Tommy Wiseau) playing back a tape of a conversation we just heard – and the recording has extra lines of dialog! Or how about Johnny’s psychiatrist friend Peter, who is played by Kyle Vogt when we first see him, and then by someone totally different by the end of the film. The new actor isn’t even properly listed on IMDB, but I did find a Reddit post, allegedly by Kyle Vogt, who drops the name Greg. ?
Story wise, this is incredibly dull, and centers on Johnny’s fiance, Lisa (Juliette Danielle) and her pursuit of Johnny’s best friend Mark (Greg Sestero, no not the Kyle/Greg from before). Delivering a seemingly never-ending series of conversations, with the same dialog over and over again. Droning on and on about how she doesn’t love Johnny anymore, blah, blah, blah! Even right after the two hate-birds spend the night together having really weird sex. Which actually provides more evidence of Tommy Wiseau off-world origins, as RiffTrax hilariously points out his ‘Johnson’ must be attached to his hip for these scenes to work. And who knows, maybe it does, and maybe we witnessed the first human alien coupling – has anyone seen Juliette Danielle recently? Does she have kids? The conquest of Earth may have already begun!
The Room is bad – that’s a given. And it has achieved cult status over the years. But as far as I’m concerned this film has done something incredible. It’s not merely bad, it’s terrible, and it’s actually so awful it somehow manages to cross over the event horizon of ‘so bad it’s good’ to actually reach a level of ‘crapness’ I’ve never encountered before. Nor wish to again.
This movie cost an estimated 6 million dollars to make – 6 million! Kevin Smith made Clerks for 27 grand! It’s also three times as much as it cost to make this years vastly superior, It Follows. But since Tommy Wiseau funded the production himself (how? Alien money!), I guess we can’t bemoan the lost of potential talent that money could have promoted.
Anyway, I’ve got to go. My frontal lobe is starting to hurt again so I had better leave this now before the memory of the film lobotomizes me! Oh wait, maybe that’s part of their evil alien plan!
If you’re a fan of crappy movies, you might get some entertainment from the experience. If you are of drinking age, I suggest a few strong beverages too. Watching the RiffTrax take on The Room will certainly be more entertaining. This movie is rated R for language, weird alien sexual content and nudity!
Despite the cash poured into this production, it’s amazing how bad this film looks. You can watch this on any device you like. Screen size isn’t going to help this film at all. If the RiffTrax screening is available near you, certainly make an effort to see it.
When mystery actor Greg shows up as the psychiatrist, Peter. First you’re like – who the F#@! is that? Then someone who knows more about the film tells you, and you drop a few more F’ bombs as you try to wrap your head around that event. Your brain then goes to Defcon 1 and prepares for a meltdown!
When the RiffTrax team said “the Golden Gate Bridge decided to jump off itself after appearing in this movie!”